When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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