Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
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