Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

quote by George Carlin
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

quote by George Carlin
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

quote by George Carlin
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Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

George Carlin in Brain Droppings
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

quote by George Carlin
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

quote by George Carlin
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

quote by George Carlin
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

quote by George Carlin
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

quote by George Carlin
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

quote by George Carlin
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