If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ""What for?"" I said, ""I'm going to buy some sugar.""

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ""Well, what do you need?""

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!