When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

quote by Steven Wright
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

quote by Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

quote by Steven Wright
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

quote by Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves ""breakfast at any time"". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

quote by Steven Wright
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

quote by Steven Wright
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

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When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

quote by Steven Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ""Did you sleep good?"" I said ""No, I made a few mistakes.""

quote by Steven Wright
Added by Lucian Velea
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