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Rita Rudner

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

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They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

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When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with'

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Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

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My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

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Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

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The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

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I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

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