I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

quote by Rita Rudner
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Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

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I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

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Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

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A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

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Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

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Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

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It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

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It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

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