Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

quote by George Carlin
Added by Lucian Velea
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""I am"" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ""I do"" is the longest sentence?

quote by George Carlin
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

quote by George Carlin
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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

quote by George Carlin
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

quote by George Carlin
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When someone is impatient and says, ""I haven't got all day,"" I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

quote by George Carlin
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

quote by George Carlin
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

quote by George Carlin
Added by Lucian Velea
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

quote by George Carlin
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

quote by George Carlin
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