Five finger discount

While we were shopping, you tried to steal a bracelet that was worth a lot.
But before you could get out of the store, you got caught.
They thought I was an accessory so they prosecuted me as well.
I'm mad because you got me arrested so you can go to hell.

This incident has caused me a great deal of grief.
My girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm a thief.
You may not realize it but stealing is a sin.
It will be a cold day in hell when I go shopping with you again.

poem by Randy Johnson
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Wedding gown

He did a really stupid thing on the day when he took a bride.
The nut said he did it to get in touch with his feminine side.
When he got married, he wore a wedding gown.
There was laughter from everybody around.
A man is supposed to get married in a tuxedo or a suit.
He's such a sissy that the marines wouldn't even accept him as a recruit.
When people laugh at him, he says he feels nothing but distress.
But what else can this man expect after wearing a wedding dress?

(THIS IS A FICTIONAL POEM.)

poem by Randy Johnson
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Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock

My neighbor plays Guitar Hero III and he has lots of fans.
He's better at it than other people, nobody can play it like he can.
He loves this game and he jams everyday.
He gets the highest score every time he plays.
This is the only game he plays and it really rocks.
He can't put his guitar down, he's king of the XBOX.
Sometimes it gets on his parents nerves because it's pretty loud.
Lots of people come to see it, he always draws a crowd.
People love this game because it's loads of fun.
Nobody can beat my neighbor's score because he's number one.

poem by Randy Johnson
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That's not rape

A man was convicted for rape even though he didn't commit that crime.
He'll be branded a rapist for the rest of his life and that's a long time.
When this man slept with a woman, he promised to wear a condom but he did not.
He didn't deserve a rape conviction but that's what he got.
Rape is making a person have sex by force.
Not by neglecting to wear a condom during intercourse.
I'll be the first to admit that what that man did was wrong.
And he probably does deserve his jail sentence that is long.
But he shouldn't be called a rapist, that's not fair.
Such injustices might not happen if people were more aware.

poem by Randy Johnson
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Bernie Mac

(DEDICATED TO BERNIE MAC WHO DIED AUGUST 9,2008.)

He was a credit to people who are black.
The person who I'm speaking of was Bernie Mac.
He gave a great performance in Bad Santa and in his own show.
People were devastated when he died several weeks ago.

He was a man who loved to entertain.
When he died, his fans truly experienced pain.
August 9,2008 was a day that many people regret.
He may be dead but he's a man who nobody will forget.

His final performance was in Soul men.
It's sad that he'll never star in anything again.
This talented man had too many qualities for me to list.
He was very special and he will be sorely missed.

poem by Randy Johnson
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Why do many people wait until December 24?

Why do many people put off buying gifts until Christmas Eve?
That's not a great thing to do, in fact it's very hard to believe.
Why do these people wait until December 24?
They have to walk through overcrowded stores.
People who do this learn that many of the best items have been bought.
Many people think shopping on December 24 is a great idea but it's not.
Please don't wait until Christmas Eve or it will be something that you'll regret.
You don't even have to leave your house to shop, you can shop on the internet.
If you wait until Christmas Eve, it will cause unneeded stress.
Shopping earlier is better and the frustration will be far less.

poem by Randy Johnson
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Rick and Vernie's Wedding

My brother and Vernie got married on the 25th of September.
Their wedding is an occurrence that I will always remember.
When they said their vows, my dad wiped tears from his eyes.
He was so touched to see his son get married that he cried.
Rick declared his love on the day when he married Vernie.
They'll be together for life and it will be a fantastic journey.
My brother has two stepsons and their names are Will and J.T.
Rick took his lovely bride on our parents 45th anniversary.
It's great to know that these two are together.
Their love for each other will truly last forever.

(DEDICATED TO MR. AND MRS. RICK JOHNSON WHO GOT MARRIED SEPTEMBER 25,2010.)

poem by Randy Johnson
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Returning food

(This is a fictional poem)

You keep sending your food back because you aren't satisfied.
If you send it back just once more, we are going to step outside.
You say that my food stinks but you don't realize that I'm a great chef.
My meals have caused food poisoning but they've caused no deaths.
You said that your bacon was burned and your eggs were runny.
I'm going to kick you in the crotch and you won't think it's funny.
You keep complaining about your meals, nobody likes a whiner.
You say that I cook worse than that chef who owned Mel's diner.
I'm getting pissed because of the meals that you return.
I hold the worlds record for food that causes heartburn.

poem by Randy Johnson
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Don't commit suicide

Don't commit suicide, you can't afford the cost.
If you commit suicide, your soul will be lost.
Your death will bring others nothing but pain and sorrow.
Don't commit suicide, things may improve tomorrow.

Some people lose everything and they become derelict.
They think that suicide is the answer but they're incorrect.
Things can get better and that's no lie.
Don't end it all, I feel your pain as you cry.

If you have a family, they'll be in misery if you're not around.
It will ruin their lives when they see you being lowered into the ground.
I know that you're unhappy and I'm not asking you to dance.
But people do love you so please give life another chance.

poem by Randy Johnson
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French

(Dedicated to Victor French who died of cancer on June 15,1989)

You starred on Highway to heaven, Carter country and even on Little house on the prairie.
It's sad to know that you are dead and buried.
One moment everything seemed to be fine.
But then we lost you in June of 1989.

Sometimes you had a beard and other times you only had a mustache.
You made a great contribution to TV in the past.
You had a career that shined bright.
But you died at fifty-four and that wasn't right.

When you guest starred on Gunsmoke, you played the bad guy.
People cared about you and hated to see you die.
When you played as the heavy, you never flinched.
Rest in peace, Victor French.

poem by Randy Johnson
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