What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

quote by Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

quote by Phyllis Diller
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The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

quote by Phyllis Diller
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

quote by Phyllis Diller
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

quote by Phyllis Diller
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

quote by Phyllis Diller
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

quote by Phyllis Diller
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

quote by Phyllis Diller
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