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Lewis Grizzard

If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

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Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.

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Springtime is the land awakening. The March winds are the morning yawn.

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Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

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It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

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I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

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I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

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The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wriggle and weasel out of one.

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The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

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