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Johnny Carson

Only lie about the future.

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When turkeys mate they think of swans.

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Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

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We're more effective than birth control pills.

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People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

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I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

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