Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, 'Aw, who cares' And then I think, 'Hey, what's for supper'
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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