I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve something that stings you, then laughs at you.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing a better house

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, 'Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.'

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing.

quote by Jack Handey
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!