If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby Maybe we'll never know.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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