If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while Come on, we're not going to hurt it.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one 'swollen' shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I don't say that the bird is 'good' or the bat is 'bad.' But I will say this At least the bird is less nude.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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