I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute to the plane itself! Is anyone listening to me?

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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