The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. 'Uh-oh,' he thought. 'This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.'
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, 'Why you stupid, stupid bastard' Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, 'You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.' Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us 'ants,' because we hate that.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!