If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it I'm going to go ahead and keep you in the 'happy' category.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they kept the head, you'd probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you know, I bet it's surprisingly warm.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling Sometimes it seemed that way.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.'
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, 'Can't you make it shoot farther' No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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