It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I hope that after I die, people will say of me 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I don't think I'm ever more 'aware' than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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You know what makes good hair for a snow man REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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