Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight Also what's funny is how we do this every night.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Carl would have to be fast to beat the stranger. Real fast. 'Draw,' said the stranger. Carl went for his gun, but then 'Hey, where did all these angels come from'
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of 'bag.'
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
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Whenever anyone says 'I can't,' it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says 'I'll try,' five thousand bees. ('I can,' one bee.)
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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