If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you're trying to remember a happy memory, don't think back to a time when you were ALSO thinking of a happy memory, because man, how long does this go on
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions,' and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all be brothers
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help 'Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.'
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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