Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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