How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol How about the pillow It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick, you're all over their lip

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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One thing about my Aunt Nadie She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife Trust me, it's not.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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You know how to paint a room real fast Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone That way, he learns that 'wishing' isn't going to save our national forests.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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