Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he stops.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, 'Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship.' Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth

Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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