I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why. Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese 'gems' from burglars.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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