Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

quote by Erma Bombeck
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

quote by Erma Bombeck
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

quote by Erma Bombeck
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Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ""Checkout Time is 18 years.""

quote by Erma Bombeck
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

quote by Erma Bombeck
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

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There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

quote by Erma Bombeck
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All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

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