I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

quote by Emo Philips
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

quote by Emo Philips
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

quote by Emo Philips
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

quote by Emo Philips
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ""I'm going to mop the floor with your face."" I said, ""You'll be sorry."" He said, ""Oh, yeah? Why?"" I said, ""Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""

quote by Emo Philips
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

quote by Emo Philips
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!