Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
quote by Emo Philips
Added by Lucian Velea
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
quote by Emo Philips
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My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
quote by Emo Philips
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
quote by Emo Philips
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
quote by Emo Philips
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
quote by Emo Philips
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
quote by Emo Philips
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Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
quote by Emo Philips
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
quote by Emo Philips
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
quote by Emo Philips
Added by Lucian Velea
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