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Demetri Martin

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

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I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

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Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

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