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Dawn French

In actual life I am a grumpy old bag.

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I want to do something where I play Judi Dench's younger sister or daughter.

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I am not, I repeat, NOT a lesbian - even though I'd like to be one when I grow up.

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The person I have admired the most in comedy terms would be Eric Morecambe, who is my total hero.

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I'd like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine.

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I keep my own personality in a cupboard under the stairs at home so that no one else can see it or nick it.

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It was my father who taught me to value myself. He told me that I was uncommonly beautiful and that I was the most precious thing in his life.

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If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush.

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We have to do a film parody for Comic Relief. We can't decide which film to parody at the moment. Any ideas welcome, but not Spiderman owing to costume being too tight.

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It was fantastic to work in Cornwall partly because my family live there so I was able to do lots of visiting and eat lots of cake. They live all over Cornwall and all over Devon.

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