If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
quote by Conan O'Brien
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Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
quote by Conan O'Brien
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In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.
quote by Conan O'Brien
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Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
quote by Conan O'Brien
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Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
quote by Conan O'Brien
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A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
quote by Conan O'Brien
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Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.
quote by Conan O'Brien
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Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.
quote by Conan O'Brien
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This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
quote by Conan O'Brien
Added by Lucian Velea
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