If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.
Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.
This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.