Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

quote by Rodney Dangerfield
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