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Randy Johnson

Candy bar

(This is a fictional poem)

When I ate my cousin's candy bar, he invited me outside.
He beat the crap out of me and people laughed when I cried.
I need somebody to protect me from this bully when he gets riled.
It's embarrassing because I'm thirty-six and he's a seven year old child.

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That's Gotta Hurt!

When I wouldn't buy my teenage daughter a brand new car, she kicked me in the crotch.
From now on I'm not taking my eyes off my testicles, I'm keeping a twenty-four hour watch.
It feels like my balls have been smashed by a brick.
I'd give a million bucks if my daughter had balls to kick.

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Buttermilk

(This is a fictional poem)

My cow didn't give buttermilk when I pulled on her udders.
Only regular milk came out even though I fed her lots of butter.
Now I'm feeding my cow lots of chocolate but no chocolate milk is coming out.
People say when it comes to believing that I'm stupid, they have no doubts.

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If you want to succeed

If you want to succeed, go to college and get a degree.
Study hard and make good grades, that is the key.
Nothing spells success like a good education.
You can be a doctor or President of a corporation.
If you want to be a success, an education is what you'll need.
A person who is educated will be far more likely to succeed.

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Batman

He's Batman but his true identity is Bruce Wayne.
Some people think he's a hero while others think he's insane.
He protects Gotham City from people who are a disgrace.
He protects them from the Joker, the Penguin and even from Two-Face.
The Riddler just struck and Batman has to fight.
He's the Caped Crusader and he's the Dark Knight.

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Faith in the Lord

A little boy needed an operation that his parents couldn't afford.
They didn't have much money but they had faith in the Lord.
The boy was terminally ill and he grew very frail.
But his parents never lost faith and he eventually got well.
Now he's in complete remission thanks to the Lord.
Their prayers and faith brought about this wonderful reward.

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Toupee or not toupee

I lost a lot of hair and I wore a toupee.
But a freak gust of wind blew it off my head yesterday.
I couldn't afford a new toupee so I wore my cat on my head.
I thought it would fool people but it made them laugh instead.
When I saw that people knew that my cat wasn't a toupee, my face turned red.
That darn cat scratched, bit and even shit on my head.

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Streets of Gold

Heaven is the greatest reward that people can achieve.
We can all go there when our time is up and we have to leave.
When we go to heaven, happiness will never cease.
We'll love each other and we'll have eternal peace.
The streets will be made of gold and nobody will ever become depressed.
Worshipping God is what's needed to go to Heaven because he's the best.

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This damn television

(This is a fictional poem)

I hate this damn television that my wife just bought.
When I ask people if I'm intelligent, they say I'm not.
This TV only picks up one channel and that really blows.
It only has one program that's about washing clothes.
This one show is irritating and it's starting to make me fume.
Why did my wife put this damn television in the laundry room?

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I like black people

I like black people, black people are pretty cool.
But the way they used to be treated was very cruel.
They couldn't eat in restaurants and they had to ride in the back of the bus.
White people should've treated black people the way they treated us.
It's nice to know that black people have come a long way.
Now it's possible that a black man may be the President of the USA.

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