All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

quote by Mitch Hedberg
Added by Lucian Velea
Comment! | Vote! | Copy!