On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Woody Allen in Without Feathers
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My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

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I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

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I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

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I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

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