There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

quote by Woody Allen
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

quote by Woody Allen
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Thought: why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Woody Allen in Without Feathers
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Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

quote by Woody Allen
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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

quote by Woody Allen
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Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

Woody Allen in Without Feathers
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For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal

quote by Woody Allen
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The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

quote by Woody Allen
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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

quote by Woody Allen
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Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

quote by Woody Allen
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