Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

quote by W.C. Fields
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

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