I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

quote by Steven Wright
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

quote by Steven Wright
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I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Steven Wright in Standup Comedy Routine
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

quote by Steven Wright
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

quote by Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

quote by Steven Wright
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

quote by Steven Wright
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

quote by Steven Wright
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The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.

quote by Steven Wright
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