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Patton Oswalt

I hate all sidekicks.

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I'm not familiar with the metric system.

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I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

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I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do.

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If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

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It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.

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George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.

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I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

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90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

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I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see.

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