I'm Not The Girl, You Think I Am
why is everything you say,
turn out to be not true?
i'm not the girl who will turn her back,
i like to think of myself as the girl,
who fights back,
i'm sick of getting taken advantage of,
but in a way,
that was kind of my fault,
i allowed it to be okay,
just like i allowed myself to give up on life,
weak moment, it felt so right,
i wanted this to end,
but, than i wouldn't win,
the chance to be treated fair,
when i did everything you asked of me,
2 weeks later, there was more to do,
do you think i would give up?
thoughts come to mind,
but, i remember where it gotten me,
coming back at you stronger than ever,
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poem by Mona Martinez
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My life will never be normal
i live day by day,
wondering if i will ever be normal,
i realize that it is not possible,
every bit of part of me that was taken,
will never be given back,
it like i died everytime i was abused,
my world turned upside down,
i became use to living my life the same,
numb, confused and nobody to turn to,
nights were lonely,
and full of nightmares,
the only way i can excape was to fly,
fly away and never return,
now that i'm older,
just hot wiring a car in my dreams,
just so i can excape the pain and torture,
is a dream come true,
when the nights are suppose to be seen as good,
mine were awasys dark,
i regret even falling asleep,
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poem by Mona Martinez
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My Present I Give To You
*written for my friend kathy*
from the day i met you,
there was something about you,
you made me feel safe,
like it was my mother talking from you,
you gave me the hope,
to make it to where i am today,
i won't forget,
your words you said,
that i will be somebody who will succeed,
through my problems,
and make a difference in the world,
you believed in me,
when people were becoming sick of me,
for the way i was thinking,
as if it was a bad thing,
we are all human being,
aren't we surpose to make mistakes?
there not a day,
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poem by Mona Martinez
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I Realized Why I Hate Rejection
i hate being rejected,
i never understood until today,
it replays in my mind,
the day you told me,
that it was my fault,
it couldn't be the way it was,
when it was you and i,
i was a child,
you put the blame on me,
told me i opened my mouth,
and now things can never be the same,
i was a child,
everything you were doing to me,
just felt so wrong,
i enjoyed the attention,
looking back,
i don't think it was worth it,
there are memories i won't forget,
everything you did to me,
was set in stone,
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poem by Mona Martinez
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Lost and Confuse In My Thoughts
i see guys as just wanting one thing,
sex,
it's seem to be all they think about,
and all they want from a girl,
don't know why i continue to punish myself,
i know i don't deserve this,
but at the same time,
i love the high that i get,
maybe that why i'm not relationship materal,
i can't handle being with just one guy,
i need to feel alive in the relationship,
and just having that one that cares for me,
start to feel suffocating at times,
they know all about you,
your good and your bad,
well i even share that much,
at times i feel like i'm living,
two different lives,
one where i be this perfect girlfriend,
nothing bothers me,
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poem by Mona Martinez
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Until You Completely Understand What I'm Going Through, Don't Tell Me My Life Is Not Stressful
how can you look at my life,
and just judge it,
yes i do have stuff going on in my life,
it not as transparent,
but it's there,
i'm reminded by the nightmare,
by the body flashbacks,
don't tell me i don't have much,
i battle them everyday,
but when i do,
it behind close doors,
i guess i hide my problems well,
if you can't tell what it is,
i'm really going through,
i guess im doing a dang good job,
dealing with it and handling it,
if you just don't know,
at times i don't have a choice,
i have to push my feelings aside,
just to deal with what going on,
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poem by Mona Martinez
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Thinking Of You
I'll be thinking of you night and day,
wishing this pain to go away.
but because of you,
i wouldn't be who i am.
you were everything and more,
even when you went out of the door.
i never forget that day,
only because it seems to replay.
only reminding me of what god wanted,
i can see why.
you were everything i hoped for,
and SO much more.
no wonder the pain hurts,
it something nobody but, me understands.
i know i was your best gift from god,
you reminded me every day.
our time together was precious,
i was your world,
and your little girl,
it something we will never get back.
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poem by Mona Martinez
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The Girl I'm Starting To See
what do you see?
when you look at me?
i'll tell you what i see,
a girl who has accepted who she is,
a girl who just realize that giving up life,
is not going to change a D@mn thing,
no matter how much you want it,
to change everything,
it just made me realize more,
that life has more to offer than meet the eye,
would you agree?
you just can't give up when life gets hard,
if that the case,
we all won't have a chance to become something,
to live out our dreams,
we have people who remind us,
how special we are,
but, we let negative thoughts cloud out judgement,
when we need to push through,
and see all that we can be,
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poem by Mona Martinez
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Lies My Abuser Told Me
my abuser said,
nobody would ever love me,
i believed him,
so i pushed ppl away,
he said i was to blame,
i believed it,
becuz i was just a kid,
he said i was his special little girl,
i felt like it at times,
but it was not worth the pain i feel now,
he said nobody will believe me,
he was right,
nobody did believe me at the time,
he said i was only good for one thing,
i believed him,
i was his special little girl,
he said i was pretty,
it was the reason he liked me alot,
and treated me differently,
he said and he told me,
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poem by Mona Martinez
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I keep coming back to you
i open up and talk about my past,
i tell you why i just can't do certain things,
why i will never be a normal girl,
you make it about you,
saying it's all your fault,
you feel like a jerk,
it had nothing to do with you,
it was a selfish jerk,
that had no right to touch me,
when i was a child,
a few days go by,
we start to talk again,
as if everything is back the way it was,
only it wasn't,
what i shared was so personal,
i hardly share it unless i feel i can trust you,
it only feels like now,
you will do anything to avoid me,
like it was my fault,
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poem by Mona Martinez
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