I'm Off to The Library Again
There she is again
Putting books back
In the right section
All nice and neat.
Then she turns
And smiles at me.
'Hi, found what your
Looking for? '
I think to myself,
Yes she's standing
Right in front of me.
But I bottle out,
And decide to play it cool,
'No, have you any new
Football books in? '
Bet she thinks ı'm
A right saddo now?
Sounded about ten years old.
But to my delight she tells
Me she's a football fan too,
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poem by Kevin Halls
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The Foul Mouthed Chef
He'd curse at the Steak and Kidney pies
and swear if the souffle's failed to rise
he'd jump up and down in a rage
if he disliked the taste of the Sage.
Losing his rag he'd throw a dish
if he didn't like the look of the fish
and if the soup just wasn't quite right
he'd be in a mood the rest of the night.
Even with customers he'd cut up rough
if they complained that the Beef was too tough
in temper his face would turn Red
and sweat would drip down from his head.
He'd become a big star on the Telly
for shouting abuse at a bowl of Jelly
in the kitchens he'd go berserk
if a simple recipe had failed to work.
And if a meal was just one minute late
he'd rant and rave and smash a plate
kick and punch a hole in a door
and throw cutlery down onto the floor.
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poem by Kevin Halls
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Horrible Sounds
We all have sounds that we like
noises that can give us a thrill
but what about those we don't
such as the dreaded Dentists Drill?
Dogs barking can be really annoying
after a while it can drive you up the wall
and when I was a kid I got on my parents nerves
for using the side of the house to kick my ball.
Fingernails scraping down a blackboard is grating
that's even worse than an irritating mobile ringtone
like your sitting in the cinema enjoying a film
when someones forgot to switch off their bloody phone.
The sound of a person vomiting is pretty gross
in fact the noise can make you feel sick too
and what about the sound of a baby constantly crying
or your friend sniffing away saying they've got the Flu?
A door or gate that creaks can get you all edgy
as can the sound of rustling paper or cellophane
but the noise I hate more than any of these
is the sound of money being poured down the drain!
poem by Kevin Halls
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Big match tomorrow
Really big game on Saturday
playing a team at the top
told my mates to be there
let the women go to the shops.
The club is having a bad season
losing more games than we win
so we need to get really behind them
and they need to play out of their skin.
Being at the bottom is depressing
that's why fans are staying away
but we love our football club
that's why we'll be there on Saturday.
The away fans will be full of themselves
and to them it will be a great day out
because their team will be favourites
and they'll think it will be easy no doubt.
So we'll make lots of noise and never shut up
and keep on singing till our throats are sore
because that's what a true football fan does
they keep on going even when the team is poor.
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poem by Kevin Halls
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Let Children Rule The World
I'm getting fed up with the world
to much violence, misery, and hate,
so let children take over for a bit
because the Earth's in a right state.
No more boring political meetings
instead it'll be games, fun, and play,
let the children have all the power
they'd stop all wars in one whole day.
Amusement parks will all be free
as will sweets, ice-cream, and jelly,
parents will be ordered to just chill out
and watch cartoons on the telly.
Kids are not interested in conflicts
that's down to the adult human race
so any arguments between grown ups
will be settled with a custard pie to the face.
Climbing trees will now be compulsory
and alcohol will be replaced by Orange pop
cigarettes will be made of chocolate
and drug addicts will be given a lollipop.
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poem by Kevin Halls
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A New Football Season
The new football season is here once again
fans hoping for a winning campaign ahead
supporters will be proudly wearing their colours
in grounds you'll see Blue, White, Black, and Red.
But the Olympics will be a tough act to follow
as it's been the best one for so many years
all the athletes gave it one hundred per cent
giving it lots of blood, sweat, and tears.
Football was once known as a working class game
until alas money reared it's ugly head
now players earn huge amounts of cash
and it's become a sport of affluence instead.
But when you love football it's in the blood
even though it's changed so much over the years
but there's just something about a matchday
the banter, watching a game, and having some beers.
So bring on the opening match of the new season
and I hope I leave with a big smile on my face
but a football campaign is tough and very long
so I'm fit for a marathon and not a sprint race!
poem by Kevin Halls
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Happy birthday 007
So your Fifty years old now Mr Bond
your milestone gives us all a thrill
it's amazing you've lived this long
but then again you have a licence to kill.
To you The World is Not Enough
your attitude is Live and Let Die
but you've drank Martini's in the Casino Royale
and for the ladies you've had a GoldenEye.
You've tangled with lots of top villains
like Scaramanga who wasn't very nice
had a fight with the massive Jaws
and upset Blofeld in You Only Live Twice.
Death has escaped you by a mere second
and you knew you could Die Another Day
but like your Martini's your never stirred
and you've seduced beautiful women along the way.
So your still our top British spy 007
and On Her Majesty's Secret Service we say well done
so it's From Russia with love
and happy birthday to the Man with The Golden Gun!
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poem by Kevin Halls
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A Musical Send Off
As the funeral came to a close
his favourite record was played out loud
All Right Now by Free was his song
I'm sure his feet were tapping under his shroud.
Which made me think about my ending
and what tune would I like to pick?
it would have to be something lively
one with a nice beat and a kick.
Highway to Hell by ACDC would be bad
as that could be really tempting fate
Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum
now that would sound awesome and great.
Classical music would be too sombre
and have me turning in my grave
Stairway to Heaven by Zeppelin is better
but please no Rap, Disco, or Rave.
Something by the Beatles would be nice
or Yesterday or maybe even Hey Jude,
but definetly not the track called Help!
and a sexy song would just sound rude,
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poem by Kevin Halls
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New year resolutions
We all do them every year
to stop drinking too much beer
lose some weight go to the Gym
take up cycling go for a swim.
Be more caring be more kind
learn a new skill open the mind
get to know the neighbour next door
do voluntary work and help the poor.
Stop smoking and eating crap food
be more patient, tolerant, less rude,
learn to listen instead of just talk
and take the dog out for a daily walk.
Try to get to work early instead of late
smarten yourself up you look like a state
get your teeth whitened they look really bad
stop dancing at parties you look silly and sad.
And stop wasting money be thrifty and save
take up a daring hobby climb or go down a cave
go on that trip before it's too late
and pluck up the courage and ask her out for a date.
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poem by Kevin Halls
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A walk in the countryside
What a lovely day for a walk
a nice ramble in the countryside
take in all the lovely scenery
the flowers, the fields, the birds.
What's that over there in the distance?
something Red in colour by that hedge.
I hope it's a Fox they are beautiful,
it hasn't moved so I may get up close.
What a let down it's a traffic cone!
Hope I see something more interesting
than a stupid traffic cone on my walk.
What's that rustling noise?
Could be a Pheasant or a Partridge,
on closer inspection I see the noise
is not from a bird but a bloody crisp packet!
As I walk on I tread in Cow dung, fag packets,
used condoms, and endless empty beer cans.
I've been walking for over an hour now
and along with the cans and the crisp packets
I've seen two Tesco trolleys, a Microwave Oven,
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poem by Kevin Halls
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