A Dirty Secret
I went to the cafe today
And listened to the usual chatter,
I didn't have much to say
Till somebody turned to ask
If something was wrong (I didn't look well)
Was anything the matter?
'No, ' I said, 'Why should there be? '
And I joined in the general laughter.
I wasn't going to tell them
What was really going on,
About the turmoil deep inside,
Why should they know my weakness
And the way I've lied?
I'll keep it to myself
And play their social game,
It'll cover up my shame,
And they'll never know about the tears I've cried
Or about the young men in the park.
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poem by John Thorkild Ellison
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Always the Same
I'm doomed to love that never is returned;
That beauty and that truth that I've discerned
Have tempted me, I got my fingers burned
When I reached out for the love for which I've yearned.
I'm living in my own sad, lonely land
Where you're slipping through my fingers just like sand,
It's not the way I wanted it, not what I planned,
I want to feel you close to me and just to hold your hand.
Forgive me for this constant, troubled doubt,
Forgive me if I dither and always hang about
To have a word with you - I'm quiet, I don't shout
But no-one's really fooled - I know they've found me out! !
Did you really think that I'd get over you?
Grow tired of unrequited love, find someone new?
The gossip is I've been with quite a few,
But I swear by all the gods I always will be true! !
poem by John Thorkild Ellison
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A Refusal to Conform
I'm so tired of being sensible,
Tired of being wise,
All of the things I should do,
It's lies, lies, lies!
I want to get drunk instead,
I want to get right out of my head,
All of the things you told me to do,
All the ways I could have pleased you,
It's lies, lies, lies!
It comes as no surprise
That getting drunk is the only way out,
Let me stand on the rooftops and shout
'Lies, lies, lies! '
You'd have liked me to be a good boy,
Someone your colleagues could employ,
Someone who fitted in,
Who didn't have the courage to sin,
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poem by John Thorkild Ellison
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A New Patient on the Ward
He told them he was nearly enlightened,
They shook their heads and started to frown -
Any talk of Religion gets them frightened
So they prescribed some drugs to bring him down,
'Perhaps he thinks that he is Jesus
Who walked the waves at Galilee?
The only cure for his disease is
Some anti-psychotics and ECT'
They say he wanted to strangle his sister
Because of some strange Masonic plot,
His father had left him some land and money,
She intended to trick him and swipe the lot! !
He has ideas above his station
And we can't just allow him to walk free,
It's probably due to excessive masturbation
And an Oedipus Complex at the age of three.
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poem by John Thorkild Ellison
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Mood Swings (Cognitive Therapy)
Like any girl or boy
Playing with a new doll or special toy,
I felt a sudden surge of happiness
I thought no sadness could destroy,
But after this brief interlude
Back came the aching, evil mood -
I felt my faith in goodness cease
And my fickle heart could find no peace.
Why does it always change like this?
We feel our mother's gentle kiss
Inviting us to childish bliss,
But once again it all turns black,
Our old anxieties come back
And we're stretched once more upon the rack! !
Deep in my heart of hearts I guess
We can't rely on happiness,
Our shifting vagaries of mood
Make Optimism seem so crude
And yet the Pessimist's belief
Puts too much emphasis on grief.
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poem by John Thorkild Ellison
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A Friendship Remembered
It's so long since we were friends
But I have never forgotten you!
How I long to search
The dark recesses of your mind,
To pick the lock of your memory
And find what lies behind
Those pale, blue eyes, coloured like smoke
And tinged with sadness of cigarettes!
We used to spend our lunch-hours together
In fair and in stormy weather -
I must have been blind
To think I could win your affection
By being sensitive and kind,
Comforting you on the
Breakdown of your latest sad affair
And being a faithful shoulder to cry on.
Did I think that when it was over
I would somehow become your substitute lover?
I probably did,
I was full of neurotic fears;
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poem by John Thorkild Ellison
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DYING EARTH (A Green Poem)
The planet's dying - I don't care
I'm sitting in my easy chair
And watching soaps on my TV.
What do I care that in fifty years
It'll be much too late for tears -
I'm just relaxing, can't you see?
One by one the species die
And in the end we're gonna fry
Beneath an unrelenting sun
That finishes what we've begun.
Goodbye, then, to the polar bear,
The ice-cap's melting, do I care?
The rhinos will no more exist,
Gorillas too, will they be missed?
They say the rivers will run dry,
But I'm not scared - I wonder why?
I think the whole thing is a lie
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poem by John Thorkild Ellison
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Foreign Aids
The little girls with music in their hair
Are collecting mice in tiny tins for Jesus;
They fall asleep in the armpits of despair
And die all at once of desperate diseases.
What shall we do to slake their drowning thirst?
They don't want the waters of our pity, that's for sure!
Look at them as they beat their fists on the stubborn earth,
Collecting old sins for Jesus with Mozart in their hair!
Perhaps you should carve their solitude out of anger;
You can't eat poems or live on propaganda!
The Church of God will split the world apart
Before it feeds these little girls with ashes or moonlight.
Will anyone forgive us for our lust
As we twiddle our thumbs in air-conditioned offices?
The little girls had begged for truth or happiness
But we robbed them of their virginity and buried them in dust.
poem by John Thorkild Ellison
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A 'Bad' Mother Grieves
I realise my only hope
Is to find some kind of way to cope
With the guilt that hounds me from within,
But I'm paralysed by a sense of sin.
When I was younger things were good,
I loved my children like I should,
I read them stories when they went to bed,
They loved me too (that's what they said) .
The years have passed and I'm getting old;
It's funny how your heart grows cold
'Cos now I don't care one little bit
About the family and that sh*t
Who married me and destroyed my life
By persuading me to be his wife.
He made me feel like I didn't exist
Although he squeezed me when we kissed,
He shattered every innocent dream
And when I wake at night I scream.
There's no-one now who can explain
Why the nightmares come again and again,
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poem by John Thorkild Ellison
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Get Out!
I suppose you think you're clever,
You laugh at me but you never
Imagine what I really feel,
You think it's no big deal
I may be suicidal, I may
Be looking for some other way
To put an end to this misery,
To break away and at last be free!
Why should ypu care? I realise
When I look into your empty eyes
That love has vanished from the scene,
It's just as if it had never been.
You say we can try again,
Don't you care about my pain?
I thought we'd last forever
And yet you found some other lover,
Someone you 'fancied' more than me.
I hate your crude hypocrisy,
Just get out of my life,
I never wanted to be your wife!
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poem by John Thorkild Ellison
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