A speed camera flashed at me today
So I flashed back in very inappropriate human way
It's my third day and things are going well
I've only fallen down once and it hurt like hell
Today is going great and nothing is getting in my way
For I've fallen only once and that was yesterday
I don't believe
I don't believe in Christmas
I don't believe there's a God that rules the universe
If there were, where do you think we should all be?
Our lives would be better off clearly
But it is not
It is not because
There is no God
It's not fair that I should get up
Unless I have that ‘important' first cup
A first cup filled with morning tea
And when I drink it I feel good you see
So without that cup of important drink
I would wish to stay in bed all day I think
There's a ghost in my fridge I hear a hum
When I open the door there is no one
No matter how hard I look
There's nothing there except some food long time cooked
Happiness can come in many ways
Mine's a cold beer on the second tray.
For I daren't touch the food you see
Its got hair all over it and growls at me.
Hot Water Bottle
Being a hot water bottle is not easy
You need to have your head screwed on you see
For if not and are full of hot water inside
You'll give someone a rather wet surprise
So it's important not to be nervous
As by all accounts you're impervious
So take my head and screw me tight
That way I can assure you of a good night.
Oh help my eyes are red and swollen and can't see
For something unpleasant has happened to me
In the mirror I saw to my surprise
A horrible pair of red staring bulging eyes
So I went to see my doctor for an examination
And told him about the inflammation
With a lisp he said, Oh dear what's this?
It would appear you've caught conjunctivi-tis
An appliance of science is what I am
What I make, I love to see spread with lots of jam
I have three slots and a basket in a metal frame
What pops in, pops out never to be the same
1-2 or 3 slices that easy for me
And when ready, eat with a nice cup of tea
I can't boil, freeze water, fry or do roast
But what I can make for you is perfect TOAST
There's a halo above my head
It wasn't there yesterday, am I dead?
I can see blue sky above me
And a nightingale singing in the tree
The light shines but the darkness remains
I hold my hand out and can only feel rain
My fire is cold but burning bright
I stoke it and see embers jump into the night
For I am lost, which way I can't say
I have a halo above me so I suppose that's OK.
The nurse was pretty as far as I could see
Standing there with a long hose over me
‘Good morning' she says with a smile on her face and glint in her eyes
Then gently shoves it up to give me a big surprise.
As I struggle scream and squirt
I see that her top button has come undone on her shirt
I close my eyes and grasp what I can
And feeling her breasts I say ‘by the way is your name Anne'?