To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go 'Whoa Whoa' and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
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Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. 'I guess you're not an afictionado',' she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
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Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags
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Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
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If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready.
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A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.
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Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
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If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that will tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
Jack Handey in Deep Thoughts
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