If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

quote by Fred Allen
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

quote by Fred Allen
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An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

quote by Fred Allen
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

quote by Fred Allen
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I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

quote by Fred Allen
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Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns he should be drawn and quoted.

quote by Fred Allen
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An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

quote by Fred Allen
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An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt.

quote by Fred Allen
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Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

quote by Fred Allen
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My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.

quote by Fred Allen
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