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Dave Attell

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

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You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ""the cops."" But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

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